// thoughts on journaling //

i post previous journal entries pretty frequently on this blog.
i get questions from friends a lot asking what i write about, and why.
so in case you were wondering the same thing, here you go.
and if you weren't.... then... at least it gave me something to post? hehe
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i love journaling.
it started on March 28th, 2012.
my first entry.
I was an eleven-year-old girl, who just wanted to be like Anne Frank, and have a journal too.
(i'm telling you, i lived in history. it was, and still is my favorite.)
at first, it was just something i did every once in awhile, to log what i had been up to.
but it turned into so much more.

some people picture journaling as the thing teenage girls do to write about boys,
and secrets, and why they are mad at so and so.
its not like that for me.
in fact, mine is more of a prayer journal than anything.

I am one who can not easily express my feelings to others openly and freely.
its a really hard thing for me to do.
if you are into personality types, i am an INFJ, if you didn't already figure that out. ;)
a lot of times, i have SO much more going on in my head, than i speak.
journaling helped with that.
i could openly express myself without the fear of saying it to an actual individual.
i get scared just thinking about trying to share things with others.
its not even necessarily a trust issue, but more of a fear you won't understand me.
so for me, finding friends that understand without you having to say much, is a treasure.
and for me to have found one lately, has given me indescribable joy.

journaling didn't really mean that much to me until i started getting older.
a lot of things happened the year i was eleven.
the major thing, and the hardest, was my older sister moving out.
most people look at me like i'm crazy when i was depressed when my sister moved out.
i mean, 18 year old's do it all the time right?
it was different.
my sister wanted to go and party, and "live it up", and i knew that.
and that's exactly what she did.
she didn't want to be around my parents, and i didn't know when i would ever see her again.
we were so close.
the bond we had was incredible.
even though we are 6 years apart, that never was an issue.
i loved my sister more than anything.
i was closer to her than i was to anyone, so it was extremely hard for me when she moved.
i lost my best friend.
i see her more frequently now because of my niece, but its still not the same.
to be able to pour my heart out to God, and beg Him to bring her back to Him was what i needed.
i had so many feelings locked up that needed out.
it was a relief to be able to do that.

then the dark stage i went through.
for months and months, and months, i wrote.
it felt like i wrote the same thing every time, but it helped.
when i could get all my feelings out, i could have peace for awhile.
i would journal and pray, and plead to God to lift this from me, at the same time.
and when that finally did pass, i  wrote for months and months praising God.
I would cry tears of joy as i did.

another big reason i journal, is so if i am privileged to have children one day, they can look
back on my writings and see all i went through, and how by Gods faithfulness, i came out.
how i grew in Christ, and different scenarios that happened.
my favorite thing to do is to look back on my old journals, and read what i wrote.
i love to see the way i thought about things, and what i thought was important.
i realize that probably two years from now, i will look back and think the same thing
about what i'm writing about now.
i love to watch how i've learned and grown.
sometimes i do wish, however, that i could be the eleven-year-old, who didn't really
contemplate things too much, and lived life simply.


i love you guys.

Aaliyah xoxo