I'm just going to be honest with you.

Things are not completely alright right now. This is not an invitation to my Pity Party. I really almost didn't even post this. And I know, I just posted a really vulnerable and "HERE IS ALL MY FEELS TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT" post, but oh well. I'm not perfect, and you need to be reminded of that, haha!

A lot of things have been going on lately that I really don't feel like needs to be posted all over the internet, lol, but it has left me really disappointed and hurt and very confused. Just one of those things where you miss how things used to be, but you know this is what needs to happen, too much drama, and so many emotions and confusion that you don't even know what to do or how to act.

I feel like while writing this and the times I've opened up to a few people I'm close to, I'm making it sound like I'm really depressed and that's not the case. Actually, I am in the best point of my life right now. I think I'm going to write another post soon about my season of depression and getting out of that soon to explain this better. I have found a peace and joy in the Lord that I don't think I've ever felt before. But it doesn't matter how joyful you are, life will still throw things your way.

But I'm not here to whine.
The point is is that I have a God who can heal all this hurt.
My God will never disappoint me.
He never causes confusion.
And if he stabs my heart with anything, it's going to be with love.
He is One I can trust.
And no matter what comes my way, I know he is going to work it out because he holds my future in His hands. All I have to do is do my part in serving Him how I'm supposed to. He will sort out all the kinks, untie all the tangled threads. And honestly, the only way I'm staying afloat is because I know that no matter what, I can trust in this truth.

<< G O D ' S   G O T   T H IS >>

It's okay to hurt. It's okay to cry.
And on that note, don't ever hold back tears. Just don't. Some people think crying is a weakness, or they just hate crying, but don't. Cry. Trust me, it helps.
Lately, I haven't been able to cry. I've had every emotion at one time, it feels like. I'm sad, I'm mad, I'm disappointed, I'm hurt, I'm stressed, and even through all those awful emotions, I'm still joyful and peaceful. It's a crazy whirlwind of emotions, wow.
I can't cry. I feel like I have so many contradicting emotions that it's causing me to just be overwhelmed and not know what to do. Crying helps me. I don't know why, but it does. So I try to cry, but I can't. I just can't. And that just causes even more frustration to build up, lol. So a couple nights ago, when I finally could cry, I was literally sobbing. I haven't sobbed like that in.... Wow, I couldn't even tell you when. But it helped. Sometimes you just need to stay up sobbing until 2am. It just cleanses your soul, y'all. CRYING HELPS. CRYING IS NOT A WEAKNESS. TRUST ME. ❤

Back to what I was saying originally, it's okay to not be okay. But don't let that steal your peace and joy. The devil will use any misfortunate circumstance to try to make you feel depressed and hopeless, but guess what, love? You have authority and power over the enemy. You are an heir to the throne and you have full ability to throw him out of your mind. Don't let him whisper lies in your ear.

My pastor gave a wonderful analogy at church the other night. When you are in full armor (as you should be, right ;) Ephesians 6:11) and the enemy is in your ear, you can lift your arm and hit him with your sword. And, as I'm sure you know, the Bible is your sword. Defeat the enemy with the Word. If he is telling you lies, you fight back. Quote scripture. If you are fighting a battle, you have to constantly stay in the Word and feed yourself with truth. Because I know at least for me, as soon as I don't, I start to believe the lies. Don't let that happen!

<< Y O U   H A V E   A U T H O R I T Y   A N D   P O W E R   O V E R   T H E   E N E M Y >>

This post is seriously all over the place, but I felt the need to write. I actually haven't been able to write. Not even journal. I just.. can't. So this felt very good to get this off my chest. I love you all so much. Thank you for being so encouraging to me. 💙
DISCLAIMER AGAIN: I am okay. I am not in any way depressed, I'm just being really raw and honest with you all! I hope this can be an encouragement. 


HOLA!!! (jk I don't speak Spanish) HOWWER Y'ALL?! (that's better) The first thing I want to say is that the response I got from my last post... I have no words. I almost wrote a second post just to thank you all but I just can't find the words to say, lol! I responded to them all individually so go check that out and cry with me :') 

But moving on to today's post! Julia from The Barefoot Gal and Grace Anne from Totally Graced nominated me for the Liebster Award, like, forever ago and I am just now remembering this draft :') So here it is!! I apologize for the fact that this took so long, lolololz

And I'm going to follow suit as well and not include the rules, MWHAHAHA! LET'S GET THESE QUESTIONS ANSWERED! 

Also, I'm just telling you all right now I didn't even pay attention to grammar so I am sorry but yeah *laughing emojis*  I JUST WROTE THE POST, OKAY?? (and what even is this format idk)

Um.. Probably nothing lol *laughing emojis* I'd either hand it back or keep holding it. DEPENDS ON IF I LIKE IT OR NOT IDK I'M NOT AN ANIMAL PERSON. *gets shunned by all my followers*

LOL DEFFFFFFFINITELY BE SNOWED IN THE LOG CABIN. I'll camp out for like one night and then I want my bed lolololol

UHHH.. Probably "dude" or "like" hahaha

Let's just suppose all my friends and family had to move with me, okay? Um... My "crazy" option would be Ireland, probably. Because I'm very much Irish and I just think it looks beautiful and lovely. I was going to say Israel but A.) war B.) heat I cannot handle, lol! But in the US.... Eh, I dunno.. MAYBE WASHINGTON, DC SO I CAN VISIT ALL THE HISTORICAL PLACES ON A REGULAR BASIS! But I also like Grace Anne's answer. "ten minutes away from where I am now?"
Yeah, I love Grace Anne's answer. I'd only want to move super far away if everyone I love could come too :')

lol @ u Julia bc haha all I can think about is our CRAZY secret-spilling chat the other night. Let's just say we know Olivia, Rachel, and Grace Anne better. BAHAHAHHAHAA.

So I have several group chats. I will name them now lol

1// aesthetic baegels (Abbie, Grace Anne, Rachel, Kate, Olivia, and Mary Shelley)
2// consider the goats (JacyRayn and my friends Veronica and Alivia)
3// BURNING YOUTH (every contributor of BURNING YOUTH blog that has an IG)
4// ^LIFT (basically another BY chat)
5//  the squad (Julia, Abbie, Grace Anne, Rachel, Kate, and Olivia)
6// THE ROOFTOPS PROJECT (JacyRayn, Kendra, and TJ)
7// unashamed fangirls (Abbie and Kate)
8// cooler than cool (Abbie, Kate, and JacyRayn)
9// the kidnappers (three of my friends Holly, Sierra, and Makayla)
10// #jessjenrach (JacyRayn and Veronica)
11// science rules (Holly and Kayla)

AND SHEW THAT'S IT!!! I only actively use the first seven, though. No, I am not going to include a snippet from all of these *laughing emojis* But I will include the topic from the most recent chat, "aesthetic baegels"

we are now talking about how Grace Anne and I are both Lizzie Bennet.
how very interesting, I know. ;) 

Eh, I was gonna say chicken pox all the way because when I was younger and I got poison ivy it was always EXTREMELY bad but now I don't get it bad at all. So probably poison ivy because chicken pox would be worse for me.

I mean I almost cried the other night when I sang in front of my church??? So maybe that's what I do??? lol. Or if it's meeting a new person I'll say really awkward things. I breathe deeply. And I noticed lately that I wring my hands? I'm just always doing something with my hands idek.

Ehh. Yeah..? Ish?? It never has any sort of rhythm. More like random thoughts written in an eloquent way (or at least I try to make it eloquent but I actually fail). But I decided I'll include some links because I kinda just gave my poetry journal away to a certain friend...? hehe SO HERE:
read dis // dis // and dis if you want

Hmmm... Hmmmmmm... HHMMMMMM....
Sunday morning service because uhh hello JESUS. Possibly seeing a friend later this evening. Definitely having another friend come over today until Tuesday (honestly the only good thing that's come out of Election Day is that she can come spend four days with me :')). And I'm sure I'm forgetting something else I'm excited about.

OKAY. That's the end of Julia's questions, now on to Grace's!

White and pink. Probably the only pink thing I use daily.

My shoulders have a mind of their own, okay? There are some songs my shoulders just love. I have a shoulder move for like every beat for the majority of "Looking For America" by Switchfoot, for instance. So yeah, my shoulders can dance but that's about it. I think I sent a video to Jacy of me dancing in the kitchen while making tea so maybe ask her how I dance. *eyes very wide*
So probably like this:

Uh..... Uh.... Uhhhh.... Hopefully, it has to do with music? Idk. I'm an INFJ, I don't like the idea of being famous, you feel? But just like Grace Anne, I'd probably end up being famous for something stupid, lol

Uh, idk??? "vote for me and you will get buffalo dip every day" ????

Seeing as my dad is bald, you would think I would know. Buttttt I don't. I assume shampoo..?

This is a super hard question for me because there are just too many musicians to choose from. However, the first person that came to mind was Jon Foreman (I actually screamed this in my head). I WOULD LITERALLY WANT TO CRY IF I MET JON FOREMAN. Or Bear Reinhart or Jordan from Blimey Cow would make my life as well. Hmmm... Probably still Jon, though!! But I actually hate selfies and I'm an introvert so hopefully, he would offer first *laughing emojis* 

Seeing how many carbs you can eat in a day is a sport, right?

"I'm certain you've heard it before" (and I feel like you all would appreciate knowing that I have Siri's voice set to a British accent) (yes) (you're welcome)

Welp. I thought I had my answer but then Grace Anne said this, 
"But then if you were invisible you could listen to any conversation you wanted and like you could get into shows and concerts and travel and stuff like that for FREE."
LIKE HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO ANSWER THIS NOW??? FREE CONCERTS???? I'd still probably have to choose the ability to read minds. I always am so scared of what people think of me and most likely it's not as bad as I think but I don't have proof so therefore I always live in fear do you see how this is a problem for me???? But then again... Would you really want to be able to read people's minds sometimes..? I REALLY DON'T KNOW OKAY.

HAHAHHAA!! I GOT THE SAME ANSWER AS GRACE ANNE :') I've taken so many Pride and Prejudice quizzes and I've gotten Elizabeth every time. Except for once, I got Jane (which I think I am both, actually). So yeah, I got Elizabeth Bennet.
"You are as admirable as you are stubborn. Even in the face of great adversity, you never comprise your morals and you firmly believe in marrying for love rather than for security. At times, you can be quite difficult to please, but that's simply because you're a richly complex and intelligent person. Plus, your sense of humor is positively delightful as are your dancing skills." 

OKAY SO YEAH THAT'S THE END OF THIS POST.  I hope you enjoyed reading my answers :')



I feel like I need to be more real here. I don't share my highs and lows enough. I don't want anyone to ever think I have it all together because that's very far from the truth! I think it's good every once and awhile to just open up with your readers. Sometimes we get caught up in our other "fun" posts that we forget to be REAL and OPEN. So I'm just gonna talk. I'm going to talk about something I've struggled with pretty much my entire life.

I struggle a lot with not feeling good enough; inadequacy. I think I always have. It's not a fun thing to struggle with, that's for sure. Here's a story to help further explain this.

The other night at church I was asked to play piano because the pastor's wife (who also plays piano and leads worship) stayed home with her sick little boy. I have a friend at church that could have played but she said that it would be great if I could so she could play drums. So I agreed. I was crazy nervous. I mean, I've played for myself the two times I've sung alone at church but this time, I was playing for the whole entire service and there were other people singing. I was shaking like crazy and so nervous.
So anyways, skip ahead, service started and the first song was fine I guess. It could have been better but eh. I didn't mess up. But the second song, haha, that's a different story. I messed up several times and even cut the song off early because I just couldn't do it. I was so mad at myself. I went in my pew and tried to keep the tears in the rest of the service but occasionally one would flow down my cheek. I wasn't just mad... But I was sad, too, and I felt so embarrassed.
Everyone told me later that they didn't even notice I messed up but I noticed. I tried to remind myself of the fact that this was the first time I played either of those songs and two chords in the song I had just learned 15 minutes before service but it didn't work.

I am never satisfied with myself. I can never be good enough for MYSELF. And I always feel like when people compliment me they are lying just to make me feel better. If you compliment me and I say something about not believing you it's not just to get more compliments. I truly and honestly do not believe you. I constantly beat myself up over everything. So much goes through my head.

My writing isn't good.
Compared to other people I absolutely STINK at the piano.
Do I even play guitar right..?
Let's not even mention my singing.
And wow, this pathetic blog.

(wow this is all art stuff can you tell I am an INFJ?)

I even remember telling my mom this as a little kid. That I feel like I'm never good enough. It's literally always been something I've dealt with. I know this is just the devil but I can't seem to get past it. It makes me want to curl up and hide. Haha, I actually just laughed out loud. Because that's just it. This is how the devil got me in the first place and this is how he will continue to attack me. 

In case you didn't know, I feel called to music. Especially worship. But for about three or four years I completely denied it and refused it. I wouldn't even listen to music. So many lies were whispered into my head during that time and I don't even know what they all were. But inside my head was dark. I didn't realize how dark it truly was until I got back into music and realized how different I feel now, compared to then. I'll share more about my music story soon but for now, there's that. The devil wants me to run and hide. The devil wants me to feel inadequate and self-conscious of my abilities. Because once he has that he basically has my gift. 

I've come far. I really have. I'll give myself some credit. But I just wish with all my heart that this could just be gone. Have just enough to keep me humble but the majority gone. 

I just feel like this doubt and fear and inadequacy is hindering me. I feel like if I could just get past this I would get a lot farther. I am too afraid and shy to put myself out there because my inside is screaming, "YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH YET, AND WHO KNOWS IF YOU EVER WILL BE. EVERYONE IS LYING TO YOU. YOU'RE NOT GOOD." 

I just want to cry because I want to get over this so bad! When I sit at the piano and someone asks me to play for them I want to cry. I want to play for you. I want to sing for you. Because music gives me SO much joy but I literally feel like my fingers won't play and my voice will not sing. I try to push it out but I can never seem to push hard enough. 

I've realized lately that I need to be praying over this harder than ever. I never really noticed what a big problem this is. I just always thought of this as a part of my introvert personality. But it's not. I mean to an extent, yeah, that's a common trait but this is different. The devil craves this from me and I've been letting him have it all those years I refused to touch music. Like I said, I've come so far and I'm proud of myself for it but it's still way too strong.

Back to the piano-playing-at-church story. 
The next morning I was alone at the piano and I played without problem. That's how it always goes. I have such a peaceful time when I'm alone but the second I play for anyone else it's so hard! But that also comforts me in a way because that shows me even more that music is my calling because otherwise, the devil wouldn't be attacking me.

It's a constant battle. It probably always will be. A constant battle of staying strong and fighting or giving in and going back. But I refuse to go back. I refuse to be depressed and sad and unhappy and lost. I refuse to be slowly pushed back into that darkness that was so hard to get out of. I refuse. 

So here's to conquering. Here's to fighting.

Maybe this was too much information, maybe this was too long. But I haven't ever just been so straight up with you all and I haven't done a post like this in awhile. And ultimately I just felt the strong urge to do it all of a sudden. I wanted to get it out. So I hope this encourages someone. But if it doesn't it still was just good for me to write it all out, lol

I love you all! <3

*all photos via


So I'm pretty sure I have the most-shipped friendship in the whole blogosphere..? Yeah. Almost positive. *laughing emojis*

In case you didn't know (which I mean.. If you didn't.... Do you even follow my blog..?), Jacy and I are best friends. But also long distance friends. I finally got to see her after nearly six months this past weekend and it made me so happy. I cannot even begin to explain. In the span of 24 hours we checked off so many things off our bucket list of things to do together. We went on a road trip, a concert (and met the Robertsons, Love & The Outcome, Reno, and seen Family Force 5), she showed me around her hometown, we had coffee, and just all the glorious things. I may make a full post of pictures and such soon, ;) My heart is so full. But it also hurts caUSE I MISS HER SO BAD ALREADY.

And in case you also didn't know, the girls on the aesthetic baegels group chat (which consists of Abbie, Katie, Mary Shelley, Olivia, Grace Anne, and Rachel) I am a part of on Instagram (yes, the one and the same from my q&a) are our biggest fangirls, okay. *more laughing emojis* So Jacy and I were making noodles before I had to go home and decided to ask the baegels to ask us questions because they had already asked us to make a video. But the only baegel who ever showed up was Grace Anne! Thus, the title of this post. *even more laughing emojis*

This video was filmed on my phone and was too long to fit into one video so there are two parts. ANYWAYS, ENJOY THIS! XD

Also, I just want to say that Jacy and I were literally EXHAUSTED that day and we were way more chill and quiet than normal, HAHA!


there's always that one girl
you stare at her from across the room

"she's so perfect"

her hair is always flawlessly curled
her clothes always so cute and stylish

"why can't I be like her"

the way she ruffles her hair and somehow
it never gets tangled or frizzy like yours


she's never awkward
she's never clumsy

"how does she do it"

you see her selfies on instagram
she's model material

"and I can't even take one decent selfie"

you think she is the definition of perfection

let me tell you something though

there's someone you know
believe it or not
that thinks this way
about you


Hello hello hello!!

I have September's playlist today! It's not really too full but if you check back I might have added some more songs ;) But these are songs I've either been listening to like CRAZY or recently discovered. So have fun, and JAM YOUR HEART OUT!! Also it still makes me very upset that my dumb Chromebook won't let me actually embed the playlist into this post but we will just get past that. 

Real posts coming soon, k?


FIRST OF ALL HOW THE EVEN IS IT OCTOBER???? LIKE SERIOUSLY??? NO SERIOUSLY??? HOW???!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!! Lowkey freaking out because fall just got here but it's already going by. :') hlp mi

SECOND OF ALL: I failed at every single one of my goals so needless to say there is no point in grading them so I won't. But I still want to achieve these so here's last months goals again.

1. Do better at my THM diet. (Even though I love eating healthy it's still hard not to cheat, haha.)
3. Get super motivated about school. (I don't know why I'm setting this as a goal cause we all know this ain't gon happen lol)
4. Get over my artist's block and GET THE ARTSY THINGS DONE!
5. Try really, realllyyyy hard to get posts out.

sorry for being a horrible blogger :')



The fact that JacyRayn and I have either been FaceTime-ing or calling
each other pretty much every other day (BLESS) (#PTL). 

hehe uh hehe
The Newsies soundtrack won't stop playing?? Help?? Jk I LOVE IT!  CARRYIN' THE BANNER!
Switchfoot (as always). 
And I just discovered Sleeping At Last a few days ago and I AM SWOONING, LEMME TELL YOU.

Not much, actually. The only thing I've really watched this month was a documentary show from The History Channel called American Genius and I love it. I haven't finished the series but I am a complete sucker for these types of shows. #historyfanaticssayWOOT

Um. Um. Um. Um. SAME AS LAST MONTH???? Except fall is actually here now. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T DO MUCH, OKAY???!!! *laughing emojis*

Pretty much just my Bible still. We've been doing a lot of ministry related stuff at church and getting home super late. So I just read my Bible and go to bed. 

Well, I did get some new fall clothes.. But I mean still the same types of clothes, haha!!! 

JJEEESSSUUUSSSSSSS!!!!!!! Music. Jesus giving me music. Jesus and music.

TEEAAAA ALL DAY EVERY DAYYYYYYYY!!! I also had two PSL's so yeah.


I could really use a cold brew with vanilla sweet cream from Starbucks.

"Rooftops" by Jesus Culture
"Santa Fe" from Newsies
and anything I feel like lol


happy last day of september