I feel like I need to be more real here. I don't share my highs and lows enough. I don't want anyone to ever think I have it all together because that's very far from the truth! I think it's good every once and awhile to just open up with your readers. Sometimes we get caught up in our other "fun" posts that we forget to be REAL and OPEN. So I'm just gonna talk. I'm going to talk about something I've struggled with pretty much my entire life.

I struggle a lot with not feeling good enough; inadequacy. I think I always have. It's not a fun thing to struggle with, that's for sure. Here's a story to help further explain this.

The other night at church I was asked to play piano because the pastor's wife (who also plays piano and leads worship) stayed home with her sick little boy. I have a friend at church that could have played but she said that it would be great if I could so she could play drums. So I agreed. I was crazy nervous. I mean, I've played for myself the two times I've sung alone at church but this time, I was playing for the whole entire service and there were other people singing. I was shaking like crazy and so nervous.
So anyways, skip ahead, service started and the first song was fine I guess. It could have been better but eh. I didn't mess up. But the second song, haha, that's a different story. I messed up several times and even cut the song off early because I just couldn't do it. I was so mad at myself. I went in my pew and tried to keep the tears in the rest of the service but occasionally one would flow down my cheek. I wasn't just mad... But I was sad, too, and I felt so embarrassed.
Everyone told me later that they didn't even notice I messed up but I noticed. I tried to remind myself of the fact that this was the first time I played either of those songs and two chords in the song I had just learned 15 minutes before service but it didn't work.

I am never satisfied with myself. I can never be good enough for MYSELF. And I always feel like when people compliment me they are lying just to make me feel better. If you compliment me and I say something about not believing you it's not just to get more compliments. I truly and honestly do not believe you. I constantly beat myself up over everything. So much goes through my head.

My writing isn't good.
Compared to other people I absolutely STINK at the piano.
Do I even play guitar right..?
Let's not even mention my singing.
And wow, this pathetic blog.

(wow this is all art stuff can you tell I am an INFJ?)

I even remember telling my mom this as a little kid. That I feel like I'm never good enough. It's literally always been something I've dealt with. I know this is just the devil but I can't seem to get past it. It makes me want to curl up and hide. Haha, I actually just laughed out loud. Because that's just it. This is how the devil got me in the first place and this is how he will continue to attack me. 

In case you didn't know, I feel called to music. Especially worship. But for about three or four years I completely denied it and refused it. I wouldn't even listen to music. So many lies were whispered into my head during that time and I don't even know what they all were. But inside my head was dark. I didn't realize how dark it truly was until I got back into music and realized how different I feel now, compared to then. I'll share more about my music story soon but for now, there's that. The devil wants me to run and hide. The devil wants me to feel inadequate and self-conscious of my abilities. Because once he has that he basically has my gift. 

I've come far. I really have. I'll give myself some credit. But I just wish with all my heart that this could just be gone. Have just enough to keep me humble but the majority gone. 

I just feel like this doubt and fear and inadequacy is hindering me. I feel like if I could just get past this I would get a lot farther. I am too afraid and shy to put myself out there because my inside is screaming, "YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH YET, AND WHO KNOWS IF YOU EVER WILL BE. EVERYONE IS LYING TO YOU. YOU'RE NOT GOOD." 

I just want to cry because I want to get over this so bad! When I sit at the piano and someone asks me to play for them I want to cry. I want to play for you. I want to sing for you. Because music gives me SO much joy but I literally feel like my fingers won't play and my voice will not sing. I try to push it out but I can never seem to push hard enough. 

I've realized lately that I need to be praying over this harder than ever. I never really noticed what a big problem this is. I just always thought of this as a part of my introvert personality. But it's not. I mean to an extent, yeah, that's a common trait but this is different. The devil craves this from me and I've been letting him have it all those years I refused to touch music. Like I said, I've come so far and I'm proud of myself for it but it's still way too strong.

Back to the piano-playing-at-church story. 
The next morning I was alone at the piano and I played without problem. That's how it always goes. I have such a peaceful time when I'm alone but the second I play for anyone else it's so hard! But that also comforts me in a way because that shows me even more that music is my calling because otherwise, the devil wouldn't be attacking me.

It's a constant battle. It probably always will be. A constant battle of staying strong and fighting or giving in and going back. But I refuse to go back. I refuse to be depressed and sad and unhappy and lost. I refuse to be slowly pushed back into that darkness that was so hard to get out of. I refuse. 

So here's to conquering. Here's to fighting.

Maybe this was too much information, maybe this was too long. But I haven't ever just been so straight up with you all and I haven't done a post like this in awhile. And ultimately I just felt the strong urge to do it all of a sudden. I wanted to get it out. So I hope this encourages someone. But if it doesn't it still was just good for me to write it all out, lol

I love you all! <3

*all photos via unsplash.com


So I'm pretty sure I have the most-shipped friendship in the whole blogosphere..? Yeah. Almost positive. *laughing emojis*

In case you didn't know (which I mean.. If you didn't.... Do you even follow my blog..?), Jacy and I are best friends. But also long distance friends. I finally got to see her after nearly six months this past weekend and it made me so happy. I cannot even begin to explain. In the span of 24 hours we checked off so many things off our bucket list of things to do together. We went on a road trip, a concert (and met the Robertsons, Love & The Outcome, Reno, and seen Family Force 5), she showed me around her hometown, we had coffee, and just all the glorious things. I may make a full post of pictures and such soon, ;) My heart is so full. But it also hurts caUSE I MISS HER SO BAD ALREADY.

And in case you also didn't know, the girls on the aesthetic baegels group chat (which consists of Abbie, Katie, Mary Shelley, Olivia, Grace Anne, and Rachel) I am a part of on Instagram (yes, the one and the same from my q&a) are our biggest fangirls, okay. *more laughing emojis* So Jacy and I were making noodles before I had to go home and decided to ask the baegels to ask us questions because they had already asked us to make a video. But the only baegel who ever showed up was Grace Anne! Thus, the title of this post. *even more laughing emojis*

This video was filmed on my phone and was too long to fit into one video so there are two parts. ANYWAYS, ENJOY THIS! XD

Also, I just want to say that Jacy and I were literally EXHAUSTED that day and we were way more chill and quiet than normal, HAHA!


there's always that one girl
you stare at her from across the room

"she's so perfect"

her hair is always flawlessly curled
her clothes always so cute and stylish

"why can't I be like her"

the way she ruffles her hair and somehow
it never gets tangled or frizzy like yours


she's never awkward
she's never clumsy

"how does she do it"

you see her selfies on instagram
she's model material

"and I can't even take one decent selfie"

you think she is the definition of perfection

let me tell you something though

there's someone you know
believe it or not
that thinks this way
about you


Hello hello hello!!

I have September's playlist today! It's not really too full but if you check back I might have added some more songs ;) But these are songs I've either been listening to like CRAZY or recently discovered. So have fun, and JAM YOUR HEART OUT!! Also it still makes me very upset that my dumb Chromebook won't let me actually embed the playlist into this post but we will just get past that. 

Real posts coming soon, k?