I feel like I need to be more real here. I don't share my highs and lows enough. I don't want anyone to ever think I have it all together because that's very far from the truth! I think it's good every once and awhile to just open up with your readers. Sometimes we get caught up in our other "fun" posts that we forget to be REAL and OPEN. So I'm just gonna talk. I'm going to talk about something I've struggled with pretty much my entire life.
I struggle a lot with not feeling good enough; inadequacy. I think I always have. It's not a fun thing to struggle with, that's for sure. Here's a story to help further explain this.
The other night at church I was asked to play piano because the pastor's wife (who also plays piano and leads worship) stayed home with her sick little boy. I have a friend at church that could have played but she said that it would be great if I could so she could play drums. So I agreed. I was crazy nervous. I mean, I've played for myself the two times I've sung alone at church but this time, I was playing for the whole entire service and there were other people singing. I was shaking like crazy and so nervous.
So anyways, skip ahead, service started and the first song was fine I guess. It could have been better but eh. I didn't mess up. But the second song, haha, that's a different story. I messed up several times and even cut the song off early because I just couldn't do it. I was so mad at myself. I went in my pew and tried to keep the tears in the rest of the service but occasionally one would flow down my cheek. I wasn't just mad... But I was sad, too, and I felt so embarrassed.
Everyone told me later that they didn't even notice I messed up but I noticed. I tried to remind myself of the fact that this was the first time I played either of those songs and two chords in the song I had just learned 15 minutes before service but it didn't work.
I am never satisfied with myself. I can never be good enough for MYSELF. And I always feel like when people compliment me they are lying just to make me feel better. If you compliment me and I say something about not believing you it's not just to get more compliments. I truly and honestly do not believe you. I constantly beat myself up over everything. So much goes through my head.
My writing isn't good.
Compared to other people I absolutely STINK at the piano.
Do I even play guitar right..?
Let's not even mention my singing.
And wow, this pathetic blog.
It's a constant battle. It probably always will be. A constant battle of staying strong and fighting or giving in and going back. But I refuse to go back. I refuse to be depressed and sad and unhappy and lost. I refuse to be slowly pushed back into that darkness that was so hard to get out of. I refuse.
So here's to conquering. Here's to fighting.
Maybe this was too much information, maybe this was too long. But I haven't ever just been so straight up with you all and I haven't done a post like this in awhile. And ultimately I just felt the strong urge to do it all of a sudden. I wanted to get it out. So I hope this encourages someone. But if it doesn't it still was just good for me to write it all out, lol
I love you all! <3
*all photos via unsplash.com