I STRUGGLE TOO



I feel like I need to be more real here. I don't share my highs and lows enough. I don't want anyone to ever think I have it all together because that's very far from the truth! I think it's good every once and awhile to just open up with your readers. Sometimes we get caught up in our other "fun" posts that we forget to be REAL and OPEN. So I'm just gonna talk. I'm going to talk about something I've struggled with pretty much my entire life.



I struggle a lot with not feeling good enough; inadequacy. I think I always have. It's not a fun thing to struggle with, that's for sure. Here's a story to help further explain this.

The other night at church I was asked to play piano because the pastor's wife (who also plays piano and leads worship) stayed home with her sick little boy. I have a friend at church that could have played but she said that it would be great if I could so she could play drums. So I agreed. I was crazy nervous. I mean, I've played for myself the two times I've sung alone at church but this time, I was playing for the whole entire service and there were other people singing. I was shaking like crazy and so nervous.
So anyways, skip ahead, service started and the first song was fine I guess. It could have been better but eh. I didn't mess up. But the second song, haha, that's a different story. I messed up several times and even cut the song off early because I just couldn't do it. I was so mad at myself. I went in my pew and tried to keep the tears in the rest of the service but occasionally one would flow down my cheek. I wasn't just mad... But I was sad, too, and I felt so embarrassed.
Everyone told me later that they didn't even notice I messed up but I noticed. I tried to remind myself of the fact that this was the first time I played either of those songs and two chords in the song I had just learned 15 minutes before service but it didn't work.



I am never satisfied with myself. I can never be good enough for MYSELF. And I always feel like when people compliment me they are lying just to make me feel better. If you compliment me and I say something about not believing you it's not just to get more compliments. I truly and honestly do not believe you. I constantly beat myself up over everything. So much goes through my head.

My writing isn't good.
Compared to other people I absolutely STINK at the piano.
Do I even play guitar right..?
Let's not even mention my singing.
And wow, this pathetic blog.

(wow this is all art stuff can you tell I am an INFJ?)


I even remember telling my mom this as a little kid. That I feel like I'm never good enough. It's literally always been something I've dealt with. I know this is just the devil but I can't seem to get past it. It makes me want to curl up and hide. Haha, I actually just laughed out loud. Because that's just it. This is how the devil got me in the first place and this is how he will continue to attack me. 


In case you didn't know, I feel called to music. Especially worship. But for about three or four years I completely denied it and refused it. I wouldn't even listen to music. So many lies were whispered into my head during that time and I don't even know what they all were. But inside my head was dark. I didn't realize how dark it truly was until I got back into music and realized how different I feel now, compared to then. I'll share more about my music story soon but for now, there's that. The devil wants me to run and hide. The devil wants me to feel inadequate and self-conscious of my abilities. Because once he has that he basically has my gift. 

I've come far. I really have. I'll give myself some credit. But I just wish with all my heart that this could just be gone. Have just enough to keep me humble but the majority gone. 

I just feel like this doubt and fear and inadequacy is hindering me. I feel like if I could just get past this I would get a lot farther. I am too afraid and shy to put myself out there because my inside is screaming, "YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH YET, AND WHO KNOWS IF YOU EVER WILL BE. EVERYONE IS LYING TO YOU. YOU'RE NOT GOOD." 

I just want to cry because I want to get over this so bad! When I sit at the piano and someone asks me to play for them I want to cry. I want to play for you. I want to sing for you. Because music gives me SO much joy but I literally feel like my fingers won't play and my voice will not sing. I try to push it out but I can never seem to push hard enough. 



I've realized lately that I need to be praying over this harder than ever. I never really noticed what a big problem this is. I just always thought of this as a part of my introvert personality. But it's not. I mean to an extent, yeah, that's a common trait but this is different. The devil craves this from me and I've been letting him have it all those years I refused to touch music. Like I said, I've come so far and I'm proud of myself for it but it's still way too strong.

Back to the piano-playing-at-church story. 
The next morning I was alone at the piano and I played without problem. That's how it always goes. I have such a peaceful time when I'm alone but the second I play for anyone else it's so hard! But that also comforts me in a way because that shows me even more that music is my calling because otherwise, the devil wouldn't be attacking me.

It's a constant battle. It probably always will be. A constant battle of staying strong and fighting or giving in and going back. But I refuse to go back. I refuse to be depressed and sad and unhappy and lost. I refuse to be slowly pushed back into that darkness that was so hard to get out of. I refuse. 



So here's to conquering. Here's to fighting.

Maybe this was too much information, maybe this was too long. But I haven't ever just been so straight up with you all and I haven't done a post like this in awhile. And ultimately I just felt the strong urge to do it all of a sudden. I wanted to get it out. So I hope this encourages someone. But if it doesn't it still was just good for me to write it all out, lol

I love you all! <3

*all photos via unsplash.com

40 comments :

  1. Aliyah. I needed to hear this. And now I'm going to write a long rambling comment because I want to be raw and honest and tell you exactly why I needed this.

    I love music too. I have been doing music since I was really little. Like, barely lisping out the words little. It has been a huge part of my life and is a passion of mine. But I have never liked doing it in front of people. I was told that the longer I did it the better I would get, because that works for everyone else. But it didn't work for me. For twelve years I did that and hated it. A few months ago, I agreed to lead worship in my youth group. I didn't want to, but I was pressured by several people, so I did it. The thing with my situation was that I didn't feel led to do it. I did it because I was guilted into it and felt bad saying no. I finally decided to step down a few weeks ago after having some really big issues. (it was even affecting me health-wise) It has been so good for me to work through my people-pleasing and other issues since I stepped down from that, and this post was SO helpful for me to see that I am not the only one who is struggling with this. I am still working through my insecurities that came about as a result of those weeks of struggling, but I am fighting. Thank you thank you thank you, Aliyah. You are amazing. Keep fighting, brave heart! ♥♥♥

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh my goodness, Megan!! To hear that his encouraged and helped you made my heart soar.

      I feel you. I can feel myself getting bolder but it's only by the grace of God and it's much easier said than done. It's an everyday struggle for me. Thank you for sharing your story with me! It's relieving to know I'm not alone. I wouldn't wish this on anybody but it's good to have people to FIGHT with. And yes, we will fight. We will keep on keeping on. And we will be stronger. <3

      Thank YOU !

      Delete
  2. I love how honest this was. I really do. thank you for being so honest. you are a beautiful human and God loves you just as you are; insecurities and all. I know theres a huge weight with being insecure, but you are strong enough in the Lord to overcome it. stay strong and never stop fighting. the world needs your music and your voice.
    I love you dear<3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much :') that raw honesty really took a burden off my shoulders, lol! UGH THANK YOU SO MUCH for the encouragement!! I am constantly stunned by the blogger community and how we are just all in this together <3 Wow.

      I love you too <3

      Delete
  3. Wow....this was what I needed today. Its so true and beautiful! Thank you for your honesty. You just made my day and inspired me greatly!<3<3
    -Clara

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow. I am so happy to hear that! Thank you so much. <3

      Delete
  4. Gosh, I can so relate. I have been struggling with this for a long time too. I want to let you know that you are not alone, I am here for you. Let's go through this together, or should I say let's conquer this together?!

    I believe in you! :)

    With love and all joy,
    Allie D.
    www.alliesblogdesigns.blogspot.com
    www.friendlovesatalltimes.blogspot.com
    www.sincerelyallied.blogspot.com
    www.spreadingmyjoy.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YESYESYESYES!!!!! Wow. wOw. The amount of support on this thread is blowing my mind. YES! We WILL conquer this!!!

      I believe in you too!! <3

      Delete
  5. first of all, the title of this post basically punched me. and then what you opened the post with did. and then at the end it was a wild WHAM and now I'm sitting here black and blue bc YOU STRUGGLE TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

    *sighs*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. AH YES I STRUGGLE TOO :') <3

      Delete
  6. OH MY GOODNESS
    all those feelings literally describe me
    Always setting a bar for yourself that you can't reach cause HUMANS ARENT PERFECT DEAL WITH IT HANNAH
    I have to tell myself that allllll the time
    And I still I get so embarrassed/frustrated when I can't do it just right.
    But this was awesome
    So open and beautiful
    Every blogger should let a glimpse of the 'not always aestheticy and perfect actually flawed human' out at a time :D
    ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. SUIHFOIWNDIUEHWODN YES! YES! YES! YOU UNDERSTAND!!!!!!
      Wow. Just... Amen.. to like... All of this..

      Thank you so much. Truly. And I agree!! I think being open and honest and raw is really good to do sometimes :)

      Delete
  7. Sharing these kind of things take so much weight off the shoulders. I am glad I got to read about this because it is nice to know what others are going through. Makes blogging more real too. We are here for you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. YESSSS they do. It felt so good, lol! AHH thank you so much *sobs*

      Delete
  8. i get you so much!

    sometimes i feel like my writing sucks and everything just SUCKS and i'm not good enough for anything or anyone.

    But then I remember that God made me to be who I am, and that He has a plan for me, and He has a plan for you, too. And He will provide, and you will come into your own, because of Him.

    My inadequacy doesn't define me, because Jesus saved me by dying on the cross for my sins, and where I am insufficient, He reigns.

    Thank you for this post <3 Praying for you!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I feel like I am saying "wow" too much in this thread but that's all I know to say! lol! This encouragement means the WORLD! So grateful for you :') I just want to hang your comment on my wall. Wow. Thank you. vuaisnddfueas

      Delete
  9. Wow, this post, Aaliyah! I don't know what to say.. You are so brave for sharing all this.

    I relate, especially because you talked about inadequacy regarding music and that is me. I've been learning/playing for years, and in my heart I want to get out there and blow the world over with hope, but as soon as I get in front of anybody I'm back to butterfingers, and the mental lecture begins again.. So this definitely was encouraging. Thanks heaps for sharing, and keep fighting, girl! This world needs to hear what you've got to say (and sing and play). xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY EITHER, HAHA! All these comments are putting my heart into a very happily-overwhelmed state :') And yes, I honestly don't know how I posted this. Usually I am very private. It was just Jesus ahaha that's all I know *laughing emojis*

      AND THAT IS EXACTLY ME!! My heart wants to spread the hope and love of Jesus like wildfire but I just can't yet. I am on my way and I am vowing not to quit but it's very, very hard.

      You're so welcome. I am so happy to be of help and be encouraging. But thank YOU for all of this. asdfghjkl <3

      Delete
  10. Thank you for the honest blog post. I think people are not talking much about their problems because it can be too personal, but it's good for both sides. Confessing can take the weight off of someone's shoulder just as reading the confession can help someone else with the same problems. I feel like I'm not good enough all the time. I have problems mostly in uni because I'm the first in my family who got to uni and I feel this pressure to be the best. The pressure is not from my parents or from anybody else, but from me. When I fail a test, I'm so mad at myself and I just want to cry and cry even though my parents are super supportive. I totally feel you and I just want to say, you're not alone in this. Sending you all my love. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're so welcome. And yeah, I agree. Usually it's so hard for me to post personal stuff but it was easier this time. Haha, I guess Jesus wanted me to post this. I feel you!!! But you're not alone either! You can do this :)) <3

      Delete
  11. Okay so how do I even begin this comment?? I'm sitting here and I can feel every single one of your words hitting DEEP in my soul but I don't know how to word this because I don't want to just say "OMG I CAN RELATE TO THIS SO MUCH" because usually that's not super helpful for me to hear...but at the same time....I CAN RELATE TO THIS SO MUCH.

    LIKE SPECIFICALLY THIS SPECIFIC THING. I've never played in front of a lot of people before (like omg you're so brave first of all so you deserve alllllll the waffles for that) but even just playing in front of my family? in front of anyone but me? this happened to me the other day. I was practicing playing and singing at the piano and I was alone in the house and I was doing really well but then my mom came in and I kept going, but it just got worse and worse and at the end of the song my mom came over and was like "were you playing that differently?" and of course it sounded different because my piano is out of tune and the lower notes are sounding really yucky right now but of course I was like "no that's just my terrible singing" because I felt like I really messed it up. and i feel like I mess everything up and there is always someone out there who is better than me. 100000000% RESPECT TO YOU for being vulnerable in this post so I'm going to be vulnerable in my comment as well. I feel so inadequate sometimes, I really really really want to hurt myself. I know who I am in Christ, but all these little tiny things that I fall short of add up like papercut after papercut after papercut and eventually I feel like I'm dying and "i do nothing right." that kind of thing deserves a punishment, i tell myself, but Jesus is the one who took that away from me.

    I think it's exactly what you said: a struggle, a fight, one that goes on forever. I know I'm still struggling with it and I definitely don't have it all together and I don't have all the answers but I was crying last night and praying and telling God that I don't want to keep running away. that's what I feel like I'm doing: running away and letting something else take over my mind/body/whatever. because at the moment running feels like it's easier but it's actually harder in the end?? BECAUSE IT FREAKING HURTS. It breaks my heart to feel like i'm not good enough but it breaks God's heart even more.

    idk what this comment is...I just read your bleeding words and felt like I needed to bleed a little too. this post hit home hard. <3 thank you for sharing it Aaliyah.

    love,
    abbiee

    p.s. sorry if i rambled too much about myself here...I WANT TO GIVE YOU ALL THE HUGS AND CRY WITH YOU AND TELL YOU THAT YOU ARE A SUPERNOVA STAR AND ONE OF A KIND AND THE WORLD NEEDS YOU. <3333 but at the same time i feel too weak/stuck in the same place to give encouragement. i feel like a hypocrite because this is something I struggle with every day. BUT KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE AND YOU ARE SO SO SO SO LOVED BY EVERYONE INCLUDING THE MAKER OF THE UNIVERSE.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. um

      how

      do

      i

      respond

      ....??W!@#!$??

      THIS MAKES MY HEART ACHE BECAUSE SAME!!!!!

      " I feel so inadequate sometimes, I really really really want to hurt myself." >> why is this so accurate?! Like I mean.. Not hurt myself physically, but inwardly. Almost like I beat my heart up when I'm not perfect (which is all the time).

      And yeah, I know to Christ it doesn't matter and I am capable but I need to be better for ME. I know Christ loves and accepts me but I need it for ME.

      And like I always suggest someone else to do my job. "Well, so and so can play piano better then me so let her lead worship."

      NO AALIYAH NO. I can't live in that!!! This is going to put a dent in my calling and mission I absolutely cannot live like that. But I can't seem to get out. I know it won't and can't be an overnight fix but I really wish it was.

      And same. I'm really not trying to give any sort of encouragement because I can't. I would be an absolute hypocrite. I'm just here to say that I'm here too and I'll walk hand in hand with ALL OF YOU ALL THROUGH THIS. <3

      Thank you so much for everything you said. I NEEDED THIS. <3 ugh I want to cry and give you a massive hug. lol

      Delete
  12. I'm crying...I can relate so much to what you say in this post. <3 From the embarrassing piano playing at church, to not believing people's compliments. Thank you. <3
    http://everythingisbetterwithpolkadots.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  13. Aaliyah,

    Oh my gosh. I know I'm super late hopping over here, but I already told you that I read it, so you know that I didn't just abandon you for over a week. XD

    Honestly, reading this post, I wanted to cry. I was sitting in the middle of my living room, so that wasn't exactly the best option at the moment, but if I had been alone, oh my goodness the waterworks would have been going. Like, for so many different reasons.

    I mean first off, I just wanted to hug you so badly. Because even though I've never "met" you in real life, I feel like I've known you forever. And even through a screen, I'm constantly amazed by HOW FLIPPING AWESOME you are. You're the absolute coolest. You make me laugh on the daily and your music. YOUR MUSIC. I cannot tell you how many times I've just sat there listening to videos you've sent or posted and just been in awe at how talented you are. Like, I WANT TO BE HALF AS BEAUTIFUL OF A SINGER AS YOU ARE. You're incredible. And I know when you read all this you're not going to believe it. I know what you meant when you said that. I'm the same way. It's not fishing for compliments. It's truly not believing it. And it kind of breaks my heart a little that you can't see how incredibly beautiful you are, but I really do understand that.

    And then the other reason I just wanted to cry reading this was because I SWEAR YOU JUMPED IN MY HEAD BECAUSE THIS IS LEGITIMATELY HOW I'VE FELT MY ENTIRE LIFE. It feels so inadequate to say "I feel this" BUT I DO. I REALLY DO. I'll have to DM you or you can DM me or something sometime and I'll explain more than I'm going to in this comment but oh my gosh, it's the hardest thing. Because I feel that in every area of my life. I really do.

    I love you so much, Aaliyah. You are so so so so so wonderful and the fact that I know you makes me just want to cry happy tears because wow you're amazing. :') YOU ARE AN ABSOLUTE STAR AND I KNOW THAT YOU'RE GOING TO GET THROUGH THIS AND I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT WAIT FOR THAT DAY BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO SEE HOW FREAKING AWESOME YOU ARE. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ I'm sorry for this absurd, horribly written ramble of a comment but hopefully you'll be able to make some sense of it. Thank you for sharing this, Aaliyah. I know so many of us needed to hear it. ♥

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I feel like everything was already said in the DM but..

      I just want to cry because hearing you talk about me like that.. I just.. Part of me just wants to be able to believe it for just one second just to see how that would feel and what confidence that might give me.

      And same. I feel like I've known you for forever too!! JSIBFIWDND I just don't know what to say. Wow. I love you so much lol

      Delete
  14. Wow! You're an INFJ too?! P.S. Wonderful post. ♥

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes!!! And wow thank you!!!

      Delete
  15. "I refuse to be depressed and sad and unhappy and lost. I refuse to be slowly pushed back into that darkness that was so hard to get out of. I refuse."

    Aaliyah. First off, you are a dynamite girl. And I'm not just saying that to make you feel good!! Haha. Literally my eyes are stinging rn because I struggle with fear similar to what you described. I feel so afraid of failing or things I so desire in my life falling out of my reach. Your story is so encouraging and strengthening to my soul. Keep speaking His words... He is in you and shining bright and making MUSIC in you that the world needs to hear. So keep singing. <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. KATIE!!! You have the ability to make someone's heart soar and have such depth (somehow that makes sense to me; hope it makes sense to you lol). Thank you SO much. I feel like saying thank you is so inadequate. THANK YOU. Wow. I just..

      yeah. wow.

      You are an amazing soul and I am so thankful for you :')

      Delete
    2. :') i get that and i get that so much. BACK ATCHA ALL THE WAY ♥ so thankful for you

      Delete
  16. Wow! I absolutely loved this. I think it is so good for us to admit that we struggle. I can definitely relate to feeling not enough, especially lately in terms of ministry. I'm currently reading a book called "Wild and Free" that explains to women that we are always enough and never too much. I think you should read it. It has helped me a great deal.

    Destinee Nicole | destineenicole.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you SO much! :) I have heard a lot about that book!! I will have to give it a read! Thank you again for you super kind comment. <3

      Delete
  17. Hey there,
    I'm an INFJ, too, and I struggle with the same thing. For me, I end up doing more and more stuff (work, things for other people) because I somehow think (even though I know better at the same time) that will make me worthwhile and adequate and good enough. It's a constant battle. I've been trying to find other INFJs with blogs for encouragement so thank you for this.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awh, so nice to meet another fellow INFJ!!

      Thank you so much for the sweet comment and sharing your heart. I mean, as you can tell from this post, I know exactly how you feel! <3

      Delete
  18. Hi. Thank you so much for this. It moved me more than I can say in a comment here. Let's keep fighting it, because one day, I KNOW we will win.

    <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. One more thing: have you heard of the song Prince of Peace by Hillsong United? Check it out.

      Delete
    2. Oh my goodness!!!! Thank you so much!!! Wow. <3 So grateful for your comment. YES! We will win <3

      And no, I haven't!!! I love Hillsong, so I'll have to check it out!

      Delete

your comments truly make my day. ❤️

be kind. be polite. keep comments pleasing to the Lord ⭐️